Thus began the many weeks and months that it took to complete our home study. We had to pay half of the cost of the adoption at the completion of the home study. We had saved and saved and yet we still didn’t quite have enough. So, we financed the rest. We hoped to be able to save the rest by the time that we were able to get our baby. The balance would be due in full when we got our baby. The agency that we got on with was a very reputable one. It had been in business for several years. So, we felt very comfortable and safe with them. They were very kind to us. They made us feel at ease and were so helpful in all the things that we didn’t understand. They did their home studies in two parts. First, we had to do a group study, where we, along with five or six others couples would come. We’d learn about adoption, while learning how to help our hearts heal from the hurt of having to go through all this. We all had to learn to “share” our feelings. Now anyone who knows my husband knows the kind of person he is. He is a very no nonsensical person. He doesn’t go for a lot of “psycho-babble”. (his word) So, this was for him, something that he REALLY did not enjoy. And he didn’t feel the need to share the way the way they expected and required us to do. But, as much as he didn’t like that part of it, he was willing to do whatever it took if it was in our power to make it happen. After the group sessions, they made individual trips to our home. It was very interesting the way that they had it worked out. When a birthmother would come to them, they would find out what she was looking for in parents for her child, choose three profiles for her to choose from, and from those three she would select the parents. We were told that no one had ever waited more than two years once their home study was completed. It was such a relief and blessing to us when we finally finished everything and we were finally waiting for a BABY! All the previous waits had been for something leading up to this, but now all that was left was the wait for the baby. How exciting!
So, again we wait…and wait and wait and wait. Where they told us that no one had ever waited more than two years…we DOUBLED that! We were just NEVER chosen by a birthparent. Again, we couldn’t help but question, why? We had waited, we had prayed, we had tried so hard to serve the Lord and honor Him with our lives. Why did it seem as if everything we tried, the door always seemed to be closed?
AND ALL DURING THOSE YEARS, WHILE WE WERE PRAYING, WE WERE PRAYING FOR HIS WILL AND NOT OURS. WE WANTED A BABY, A FAMILY, MORE THAN ANYTHING, BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE, WE WANTED THE LORD’S WILL. AND IF IT WASN’T HIS WILL, WE ASKED HIM TO CLOSE THE DOOR! (sometimes we know the right words to say...we even really mean it with all our hearts, but in our humanness, we still question why things happen the way they do)
But, when the doors remained closed, it sure was hard to understand. When all around us, it seemed as if everyone we knew were just having babies. Even at the agency- couple after couple were being selected and then adopting their babies. But, we never were. If we could only understand why, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. Still yet, we left it in the Lord’s hands. And continued to wait…
Meanwhile,my husband’s job was a pretty good one. He made a good salary for the type of work that he did and he had pretty good insurance. But, one of the greatest perks of his job, I guess, was his retirement. For every dollar an employee put it, they matched it 100%. So early on, he started having $20 each week put in retirement which of course, the company matched. Later, as it built up some, Bret shifted it around some so that it could earn more and more interest until soon, we had a pretty nice little nest egg built up. We had also learned that we could get some of that money out to help pay for medical bills. We couldn’t get it out first, but once the bills existed, we could take it to help pay them. It was about this time that I heard about a fertility doctor in Knoxville (just a little over an hour from our home) that was doing IVF. We made an appointment to go see him. We could do the IVF if we wanted to, and then take some of our retirement out to help pay for it. He took a look at some of our past medical records and he felt that he might could be a help to us. He needed to run a few preliminary tests to be sure. One of the tests that he mentioned that we needed was the one that we had done several years before. The one that lay hiding in a drawer at home. So he asked that we bring the xray with us next time and he would look it over. We did that, and when he looked at it, he said that it looked to him that maybe the xray had become corrupted. There were cloudy and hazy. So, he determined that we should redo that test. He scheduled the test, and then they routinely sent it off to the labs. A few days later, he called us and asked us to come in. As it turns out, our original xray had not been corrupted. There was really was something there that should not have been. When we walked in, we knew that something was wrong. He just had that “look”. He proceeded to tell us that he wasn’t used to having to give this kind of news. He was a fertility doctor. But, when they sent the results of my test to the lab, they found what 5 out of 7 pathologists at UT Hospital said was uterine cancer. And they said that they thought it was a VERY aggressive cancer. But, our doctor didn’t agree with them. He said he wanted to send it away to Stanford University to the best doctors in the country in this field. It took two weeks to get the results. Two long weeks…not knowing what to think or feel. We were so scared, not knowing what the future held for us. An aggressive cancer was definitely not something that we had ever thought we ‘d be facing. Not when we were still just hoping to get a baby and have a family. But, during this time, as hard and fearful as it was, still, we trusted the Lord. Whatever He sent us to face, He knew best. Once again, we were left with nothing that we could do to change our situation. Once again, we just had to wait. And two weeks later, our doctor called with the most wondrous news. It wasn’t cancer! And, listen to what he told us! He said the experts in the field said that even though it wasn’t cancer that it LOOKED just like it. And anyone who wasn’t a specialist in that particular condition, would have diagnosed it as cancer. So, think of this. The xray that was hidden in the drawer. It wasn’t corrupted. It wasn’t ruined at all. It really had something on it that shouldn't have been. The Lord had just made sure that no one, NO DOCTOR WHO WOULD WRONGLY DIAGNOSE IT, would ever see it. He kept it hidden until just the right doctor would see it. If one our local doctors back when we had first had the test done had seen it, they would have diagnosed it as cancer, and done a hysterectomy right off. Instead, the Lord took care of us and our situation when we didn’t even know we were in a situation. The Lord is so good! So, now instead of facing cancer, we could proceed with the IVF if we felt that we could. We prayed and this time, we felt that we should try.